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Bionicdodge.Com  |  Bionic Community  |  Jokes & Humor Forum (Moderator: jusdeez)  |  Topic: The Electric Fencer "Funny Story" 0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic. « previous next »
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Author Topic: The Electric Fencer "Funny Story"  (Read 1838 times)
magnumman
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« on: December 19, 2010, 08:46:10 AM »


We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and
ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Because I'm a guy, I
got the biggest cattle charger the Tractor Supply had, it was made for
26 miles of fence.

I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6 hp bigwheel pushmower. The hot wire was broken and laying out in the yard. I
knew for a fact, well; I was pretty sure that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right
hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture
of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side
of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower
ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs
& Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and come at the same time. I beg
to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied
3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix
kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block HEMI turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding
onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down
so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I
could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil.
At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam
in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God, please die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big
bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,
standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not
take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to
writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created...

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out
of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were
two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then
another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things...
1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and
my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do
not smell as bad as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now.
Seriously! I think our little session cleared out
some carbon fouling or something, because it was
better than new after that.
7 - My balls are still smaller than average yet
they are almost a foot long
8 - I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while
thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this?)

.
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.
I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check
to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence,
I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds
me to triple check before I mow. "The happiest people don't have
the best of everything... they make the best of what they have".
« Last Edit: December 19, 2010, 06:59:44 PM by magnumman » Logged

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POS Chevy Trailblazer 4x4, the 4x4 is the only good part. This thing is a turd.
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« Reply #1 on: December 20, 2010, 06:18:19 PM »

WOW......I am pretty sure that is the funniest thing that I have ever read in my entire life. I think that if one of the redneck comedians ever read that they could easily make a million bucks off this story!!!   Thanks for taking the time to share that.....I laughed so hard I was crying and my guts hurt.....Two thumbs up from me   bravo
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« Reply #2 on: December 21, 2010, 07:26:43 PM »

WOW......I am pretty sure that is the funniest thing that I have ever read in my entire life. I think that if one of the redneck comedians ever read that they could easily make a million bucks off this story!!!   Thanks for taking the time to share that.....I laughed so hard I was crying and my guts hurt.....Two thumbs up from me   bravo

Its one of my favorite stories LOL. Im glad you liked it! For some reason this goes around through email at Christmas time and a different person sends it to me every year. At least this year its saved here for everyone to read.
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POS Chevy Trailblazer 4x4, the 4x4 is the only good part. This thing is a turd.
demondog
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« Reply #3 on: December 21, 2010, 08:02:23 PM »

Funny as a barrel of monkeys...
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MadKaw
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« Reply #4 on: December 22, 2010, 03:26:15 AM »

I grew up on a dairy farm with miles of fencing. It's not too far from the truth! LOL
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Richie
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« Reply #5 on: December 22, 2010, 05:12:39 AM »

This is so funny. My aunt and uncle had cows when I was little and of course an electric fence which gave a good tickle whenyou touched if (even though it was a little more then a tickle).   We talked my younger cousin into peeing on it one day.......  LMAO
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« Reply #6 on: December 22, 2010, 03:11:59 PM »

We talked my younger cousin into peeing on it one day.......  LMAO

 

HAHAHA, We talked one of my friends into doing this also on a dare
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2001 Ram QC 1500: 360cid, 2wd, K+N CAI, SCT tune, Autolite AP3923\'s, MP 1.7 rollers, MP pushrods, SST rims, Hypertech coil, 10.2mm wires, Gibson super truck exhaust, 3\" magnaflow cat, modified Y pipe, modified kegger, 3.92 LSD, MSD-6, Transgo shift kit, 4.7L Injectors, Hipotek 52mm TB, (Currently under construction for a 408 build)

POS Chevy Trailblazer 4x4, the 4x4 is the only good part. This thing is a turd.
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« Reply #7 on: December 25, 2010, 08:14:26 PM »

lol, funniest story I ever read.
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magnumman
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« Reply #8 on: March 31, 2017, 06:27:11 PM »

Bringing the best joke story written back to the top!  We need more laughs around here!

The story is in the 1st post.

Enjoy
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2001 Ram QC 1500: 360cid, 2wd, K+N CAI, SCT tune, Autolite AP3923\'s, MP 1.7 rollers, MP pushrods, SST rims, Hypertech coil, 10.2mm wires, Gibson super truck exhaust, 3\" magnaflow cat, modified Y pipe, modified kegger, 3.92 LSD, MSD-6, Transgo shift kit, 4.7L Injectors, Hipotek 52mm TB, (Currently under construction for a 408 build)

POS Chevy Trailblazer 4x4, the 4x4 is the only good part. This thing is a turd.
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« Reply #9 on: April 03, 2017, 02:17:33 PM »

 Never gets old
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